THE WEIGHT OF ‘SHOULD’
Pay attention to how many times you say the word "should" in a day:
I should exercise.
I should tidy the house.
I should answer those emails.
I should be more organized.
I should be further ahead by now.
For many adults with ADHD, "should" is running the show - we use it so often that we rarely stop to question it. But here's what I think. I think that in many ways, "should" is one of the most demotivating words in the English language. Because who says?
Every time you say "I should", there is an invisible second sentence attached:
I should exercise... (because that's what healthy people are meant to do).
I should be more organized... (because other people seem to manage it).
I should have figured this out by now... (because someone my age ought to know better).
The word "should" usually reflects somebody else's expectation. Perhaps a parent's voice, or a teacher. A judgemental ‘friend’? Society's voice. But rarely does that voice reflect what we genuinely want, and that is why we resist.
Why we resist
Human beings do not like being controlled. We want choice, autonomy, ownership. The ability to decide for ourselves! And this is particularly true for many people with ADHD / ADD. The moment something feels like an obligation, our interest often disappears. And that’s when we procrastinate, avoid and rebel. Sometimes, we simply shut down.
What makes this especially frustrating is that we can end up rebelling against our own goals, telling ourselves what we "should" do and then resisting it. Then we feel guilty for resisting and end up in a cycle of guilt, shame and inertia, and we never get what we want.
The question that changes everything
The next time you catch yourself saying "I should...", stop and ask - "What do I actually want?"
Not what you think you ought to want, not what somebody else wants for you, but what do you want?
Perhaps you do want to exercise, but not because you should, but because you want more energy. Or because you think that it might make you feel better. Or because you want to be a runner / swimmer / pickleball expert. Whatever the reason, it is yours.
Perhaps you do want to get organized. But not because it is the responsible thing to do, but because you value the calmness you feel when your home is tidy.
Perhaps you do want to set boundaries with your scheduling, because you value your time and relationships and know that if you work less and see your friends / family / partner more, you will enjoy it.
Replacing "I should" with "I choose" or “I value” is one of the simplest mindset shifts you can make, because those words put you back in the driver's seat, and when we feel ownership over our decisions we are far more likely to follow through. Because lasting change is rarely built on obligation, but on alignment.
When your actions reflect your values, motivation becomes much easier to find and the weight of "should" starts to lift.
A final thought
The goal is not to eliminate responsibility from your life; we all have things we need to do. The goal is to reconnect those actions to your own values, because lasting motivation rarely comes from pressure. It comes from ownership. And that makes all the difference.
